went out with huiwen and vans today. walked so much sia. tired tired.

ok. to main topic.

i'll be typing this as we are argueing. like live commentary.

juz now my mum wasn't happy again lah. as usual. so she asked me out of my room. and said like how much i spent a month and stuff.

cos my specs which i have used for 1 1/2 yrs have kinda loosened and its falling to pieces, and i asked her for a new one. but she brought up the topic about contacts. according to what she said, she thought that the 1month worth of daily contacts would suppliment me for about another year, and use my this spec for 2 1/2 yrs.

and so we talked, i totally did not raise my voice as i was controling all the time. so i brought up the issue that my allowance is rock bottom for me to do anything except to suppliment my meals. she argued that i was spending more than an adult would. and so we calculated. lets say, we go to food centres EVERYDAY(take that. food court. everyday). a bowl of ban mian? $3.50, cheapest. how bout a drink?(she argued that she doesn't buy water, and i asked, so do u want me to drink water ornot? and she agreed to count that in.) $1.5o, ard there. thats $5 already. snacks in between?(she always asked me to eat more.) i cited examples like bread, takopachi, drinks and stuff. $3? mostly around there. and the occasional dinner. obviously a dinner would never cost less than a lunch, i pointed out. so with lunch already $5 and dinner definitely more, her allowance of $10 a day if definitely not enough! and we'venot even counted how much more the dinner is, and the tea break or whatsoever in between.

so we moved on. i said she controlled me, overly. i brought up my hair issue, which hasn't and will never die. but to her, she only criticised and felt disgusted about my hair, but she didn't exercise control over it! so it wasn't considered. but to me, its that her constant negative remarks do affect me. fine, unargueable. then came the dying of hair issue. she didn't allow me to. actually, come to think of it, she changed the subject when it came to this. ya but anyway, she still did not allow me to dye my hair. isn't that control? over my own hair? sec sch dont say, the sch doesn't allow anyway. but i'm in poly, EVEN the school does NOT care, why should you?! fine, over. move on.

i admit, i rarely do housework. but guess what, she asked me to vaccuum the floor today, and i did. u know, when you do stuff that you dont normally do just to make someone happy, you would expect a thank or at least a compliment like"good job" or something right? well then. guess her reply. for those who guessed that she said "i wanted to ask u to vaccuum again tmr. thought u anyhw vaccuum", you got it right. oh yes, my mum said that. to her son. i guess thats like the most encouraging words a mum could ever say? hm.

then came the real trouble. my dad came back. for those who dont know, all our quarrels have mostly never gone bad, until my father steps in. why? well, his way of talking is by raising his voice. its so fierce that my mum doesn't even dare to step in to stop it. so he saw us talking, and him being him for the 129827 time, he jumped to conclusions that we were argueing. so he started shouting at me, "wait till you die. wait till you die. then u noe" fine. i ignored and continue talking to my mum, who also ignored him. then as we talked, he being him took control of the situation in his own hands the way he thought it was right(which is obviously wrong for the 28942348th time), and started shouting at me. "all your friends, the parents. they are all uneducated. they dunno anything. they have no brains, not like us. we are educated. we know whats best for u, why dont you just listen to us?" so i juz keep quiet, and walked back to my room.

then my mum talked to him. this is the part i always dont understand. she said "dont shout, we were talking. why must you always shout." so he buay song ma. and everytime, when my mum talks to him and tells him that he was wrong about his temper, he would find me. FOR WHAT! I NEVER understand.

so he came into my room(for all those who dunno, its AGAINST the rules of my house that room doors can NEVER be shut. oops. its a rule, though my parents claim that there are no rules in our house. hmm. i wonder) and started shouting at me. he ask "so were you and ur mum talking abut juz now?(see. he doesn't even noe)" i told him, " just stuffs that make us not happy with each other lah. we were trying to settle them." then i act smart la, say " we talk nicely, thats why no need shout. you are always shouting." and then he bangs table, and walks out saying," FINE FINE! U ALL WANT TO DIE. FINE. YOU LIVE IN MY HOUSE, YOU TAKE MY MONEY, YOU FOLLOW MY RULES. I SAY WHAT, YOU MUST DO WHAT. THATS HOW IT IS WHAT. I AM THE FATHER OF THIS HOUSE, BUT NOW. I CANT CONTROL ALL OF YOU ANYMORE. WHAT AM I NOW? WHAT AM I IF I CANT CONTROL U ALL?! "and blah bah. some rubbish. i cant really remember everything cos i was trained from young not to listen too much of his rubbish. as u can see, his idea of a 'father', is one that has control over the family. the family will do whatever he says, and follow his command. a few posts ago, din i cite an example, where by if my dad is wrong, we should all just be plain fools and do wrong, so that he can learn by himself that it is wrong? so yeah lah. here's the proof.

after that, he went to the dining room, which is directly outside of my room. and when he ate, he shouted at me la. and guess what, he choked. oh, and then he shouted " see! if i die this very moment, all of u will die. all of you wont have any money. i dont know how u all gna survive. you all will die! and i choke is because of i was shouting at you. you kill me." theres no link, but yea. if there was, it wouldnt be my father shouting.

thats about it. almost there. sometimes i wonder, what have i not done, or what have i done wrong? am i really that bad? the thing is, i do know alot of other people who, even as their parents try to treat them well, they still dont appreciate it and defy. and the thing is, i'm not even trying to defy my parents or any sort, but yet, i still get it worse! i really dunno how lah. i really wanna run away. really.

the guy who i call father, if u read this, i want u to know.

- you said that if i ran away, i wouldnt hv money and willnever survive. please, i can always ask from grand parents, relatives if i'm really in need. you think ur smart? im smarter, just that i dont wanna make u all look like fools.

i hate you.