getting ready for work tmr. hohoho.

prepared all the little stuffs like file and intro letter and such. wonder how it's all gonna be. pray its nice, good. hope.

anyway, back to my main point of coming here, as i have for the past few posts in order to get words across.

i guess we're either not suitable, or i've been living my own dream all these while. probably, it's even fated. yes, i love you, as i always have. i havent swayed all these while. i've accepted everything you threw at me, whether i like or detest, and i grow to understand that i have to.. well, understand. you never showed me love, you never showed me that you care, even when you know that these 2 things are the most important to me. you never bothered to remember things, even though you know i'll get highly frustrated when you dont. and when i do, you simply either not care or think i'm making a big fuss over nothing. again. i've shut my eyes and swallowed that because i loved you. you never comforted me, never gave me a hug, never thought that i, or anything in my life, was a big deal. you just treated me as someone random, who you just happen to talk to a little more. maybe, that's what i really am.

i always believe when you say, that if you didnt care, you would have done so and so. but now, thinking back, you would have done it, no matter what. so, arent those just excuses. you have never done anything to make me smile, you have never supported me, you have never agreed with me, you have never smiled to make me smile, you have never done anything special because you care, you have never initiated anything, you have never questioned if i was fine when i'm not, you have never made any effort in salvaging any situation, you have never bothered when we quarrel, you have never told me things i wanna know. you never made me felt like a guy.

it's really hard to come to this. maybe it might be a momentarily thing, maybe not. but as of now, i am letting you know of the very thoughts on my mind at this point in time, where i'm online, and you never bothered to talk to me. i texted, and you never replied. i wont ask you to think about it anymore, because i know, it's useless. you will have a rebuttal to everything i say. you will never say sorry, you will never admit your mistake. you will never seek to mend the situation, you will simply treat as if your mistake never happened.

there. i've typed for almost half an hour. you never even bothered to contact me in any way. you've just proven my point. and when you see this, you'll prolly think, oh what the heck. he'll be okay. he will get over it and text me. i think for this once, i wont even reply if you text. but then again, will you bother? surprise me.


you'll know it when you're finally at how i am now. there's no reason why lecturers cry, why everyone's sad, why every fb status is about leaving school and the sadness that follows. why we wanna do things "for one last time". because there's no other chance. anymore. we wont get "another time", or "later". i cant walk through the gates of SP and think, its bloody 8am and i'm dead tired and i hate school. no. i dont have a school anymore. you are right. i'm 19 already. and that's why, because i'm 19, i am how i am now - lost and sad, unlike you, who are not in my shoes. not even close. stop saying i dont understand. try understanding me, and you'll think differently.

but then again, its too late. you're just like a part of SP, gone with the wind.


i really really, really really wanna blog. i wanna say out everything that's couped up within me. i have so much, i'm nearly bursting. i wanna type on and on, and never think stop to check, hey my punctuation isnt right, i missed an s here or there. i wanna just rant everything out, and all i want. is someone to just sit there, and listen to me. no replies, just listen and nod. and smile.

smile. yes just smile. why? to me, when i'm sad, and i see another person smiling caringly, it feels as if that person's lifting half your burden off you. i feel better. it's as if they're saying, yes shaun, i'm here for you. and as i go on telling everything's on my heart.

i cant stand it. how can anyone be normal when the person they love most is in such misery. i cant. i always wanted to say, cant you just fucking wake up. cant you just fucking get over? cant you just fucking leave it as it is. and fuck you. dont treat me like a stranger. i'm closer to you than most of your friends. and what the fuck do you treat me. i mean, how the fuck? like an bloody tissue paper. wipe, and throw. taken out only when needed. fuck you. i'm there for you, and what do you do? treat me like shit. when you're unhappy, you give me one word replies. when you are in a fuck care mood, you dont answer, dont give two hoots if i bothered, or even if i died. when you're sad, i'll travel anywhere and you'd just treat me colder than the wall. fuck. you know what. if i were selfish, i'd just leave it as non-close friends. i'd bet you'd treat me better that way. you'd most prolly say, yeah. then go ahead. do you see how fucked up that is. do you even bother about our friendship? no. a fucking big fat no. have you ever thought who was always there for you? fuck you for taking me for granted. now you just said you wished that he would just show you that you just mattered, even abit to him.

NOW DO YOU FUCKING KNOW HOW I FEEL ALL THESE WHILE??????!!!!!!!!!!
HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU THIS EXACT SENTENCE. AND WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR REPLY? NEEDY. FUCK YOU. I'M NOT NEEDY. YOU ARE JUST FUCKING COLD. I'M NORMAL. I'M HUMAN. I NEED YOU TO FUCKING SHOW THAT YOU BOTHER. DIDNT YOU SAY, YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART CAN ALR. DONT NEED TO EXPRESS? SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ASKING HIM? ISNT IT THE SAME BLOODY LOGIC?

SHIT YOU. FUCK YOU.

i really wanna give you a fucking tight slap. to just wake the shit out of you. one day when i cant take it again, i'll leave for good. and only then, you'll see. and at that moment, no. i wont come back. i wont say, okay poor thing. i wont listen to you rant. i wont hear your apologies.

FUCK OFF. some people only get a chance in their lives. i've given you more than a tonne per gram. you abuse you. you're blinded. you take it for grant. you dont give a shit. fuck fuck fuck.