haven played maple for a long time. argh, the agony. its a double edged sword yet again. rarr.

was coming home from dinner when i listened to boston yet again on my mp3. i realised that this was one of those songs which made me remember why i should never fall in love or get entangled in some rubbish emotionally rollercoaster shits again. you know, some songs make you wanna ust be with someone. but its just, this song makes my mind pick solitude over the happiness love can bring. why? cos with happiness, pain is sure to come. and as i listen to the song, all i thought was, its all over, and it will never happen again. ever. and it made me smile. why so? its not that knowing being together with someone else would only result in pain. but rather, its because, i've found an answer. even if its a wrong answer, it currently is the correct one. my mind is set to ease, because, before it, i had no answer at all, be it right or wrong. and that, drains me more than having a wrong answer.

and i watched naruto. (ot, 121 now) and suddenly, out of randomness, i suddenly pictured her again. and this time, it was the same which happened on the train a few days ago. it wasnt the bad times. it was the good. your laughter, your smile. the look on your face, the way you walked. the times we were together. the good times. ever since it all ended, all i thought of was the horrible insanity you brought upon me. but then, after almost 350days, the first image of the pleasant history came back to me. you should have seen my shock. i was all confused, shocked, fearful and blissful at the same time. you gave me that comfort no one else is able to give. everything about you was unique and special. you werent the best, but you were special. suddenly, i felt like talking to you. i felt like going out with you. i wanted to hear you reply whatever i say. and look at every movement you make. its special, the way you are. suddenly, i can picture your face, and how you were like. i miss you. alot. i want you back, but yet, dont want you either. it you i yearn for, but its also you that makes me keep away from you. i dont know how. i want some one to just be there. i dont know really. even if there are people there, will i ever forget you? will i ever move on? will i ever, know what to do? i visited your blog. the fun youre having. what if i was still next to you? will all these happen? or will they become a totally different future? you wrote, the people who comforted you and were there for you, you wish you could give them the biggest hug you'd ever give. i wish i was there.

and then you said something. you cited an example of a lousy moronic idiot who fails to comfort. and it struck me. it was when you entered your 1st 3 months in mjc, when you couldn't find any friends whatsoever. you were so depressed. we were over alr, but you still cried to me ever night. and i brought you through every night. i was alone. i did not have you as my support, and yet, i was to support you. i was finding my way to stand strong alone, and yet, i had to stand by you too. i could just have ignored you, and probably, recovered and forgotten everything my now. but its because of the last 3 months after its all ended, that i dread you. to tell you the truth, i did sit awake for one entire night. it was the night i told you i'd be up the entire night waiting for you if anything happened. you were crying so hard and desperatedly, and i knew of no other way to be there for you than to literally be.i was next to my phone as if my phone was artificial heart. i told you, i'd be there for you, and if i cant bear whatever pain you were going through for you, i'd go through the pain with you. and i really did stay up but you din call. i used that time, and thought thoroughly. would this night be my last effort to be there for you, or will i knowingly commit a suicidal move that will make me go through more pain. obviously, the second would help you through better. and so i thought. deep and hard. unfortunately, the good memories came. and so, i cast myself in agony and was there for you, till you threw me away.

i think i still miss you. though i know its wrong. QXLFYMI606020