well, school is school. so i guess its fair if i said that i am not enjoying it.

hmm. moving on to life.

its confusing. i swear. my feeling sway by the minute, off and on, just like how the waves crash onto the shore - it reaches a new high, not before crashing to a devastating low.

and its not i want it that way. oh, why oh why. why does it have to happen to me. is it really that bad, am i really that senseless and empty that such useless and rubbish thoughts fill my mind? dont i have anything better to fill my existance with?

and to top it off, jus to let all those people who think that the book "the game" is a funny, bad ass playboy book which only teaches you how to pick up girls, you are pretty much two thirds wrong. basically, from page 2xx to 47x, its all about his tragic life and how everything came crashing down.

so if you ask me for a rough overall of this book, no, its not a hilarious jackass ho's-and-bro's book. its sucidal, its depressing, its devastating, its condemned, its a punishment.

its a book i dont want to finish, but i have to. its a book i will never want to read ever again, but once is a must.

what set me thinking about all these stuff regarding my phailure life was feature writing today. the task was to write a 6xx-7xx feature about something in your life. something that would be publishable in the sunday times, something 350,000 people would pick up and read from the first hooker to the last caption.

it may be about trends, opinions, hates and favs, anything. anything at all in your life.


and i had nothing.


hey no, dont get me wrong. it wasnt just a quick overview of how my life has turned to shreds. i didnt flash through my memory as if the camera shutter just went off. i though really deep.


and nothing came out.


its was only then did i realise, that i'm becoming a robot. something with no difference from anyone else. school, home, school home. there isnt a filler in between that says best friends dinner, or my dearest's love.

incidently, it could have been replaced by something called 'mrt train rides'.


and oh yes. trust me on that, i even suggested writing a the story on my '1hr journey to school everyday'.


and yes, it IS that bad.


and so now i think. do i want a soulmate, or am i finding justa filler. is it gonna be an episode, or just another commercial? will this thriller lead to the movie, or is it gonna be pushed aside due to lack of everything necessary?

what is going on. where am i now. is this my life. how am i coping. what am i doing. why is it like this.






i'm beginning to disagree that everything has an end.



i've already crossed it.