sometimes, i wonder. things arent going the way it should be. it just isnt.

what have i become. i guess it was the innocence in secondary that got me through the days without much pain. i lived the happy days as if they were my life, and the bad days were forgotten just like my chinese spelling results.

sometimes, being like that is actually good. to not think that much, to just live the way you are. to not bother about how others think of you, to not bother if that other person is gonna be bothered by you, to not bother if you're gonna blow it by saying the wrong things. some call this maturing, but i say, its just a pain in the ass.

no wonder adults say life is tough down the road. i guess they dont mean that jobs are hard, money is tough to come by. but rather, its the social aspect thats killing everyone. putting up that smiling face, getting into everyones good books, or at least, not being blacklisted. its tough, especially when that guy's an ass, that slut is being such a bitch.

and adulthood, this phase, this torture. you live a life called a one man's island. you have no one to turn to. friends? what are they. history, facade, societal check. yes, tats what they are. a friend to turn to when you're really down? does this even exist when your living your life as a human? do you really care, when some one calls you up. or are you doing this so that broken heart across the line doesnt hate you in future.

does having alot of acquantances qualify you as a successful, popular person? god knows. do you really think that having that one more person you know make you any greater? ultimately, when it comes to the crunch, when you dont have even one strong pillar around to survive an earthquake, the multiple crumbling structures wont even last the wind.

and when its quiet at night, when you're all alone and wondering, who the other living human around on this face of the planet around and up and willing to open up, as much as you do. or bright in the day, when you see the people you know, having found someone they have who they wants to share a part of thier life with, how would you feel. honestly, its awesome to be single. only just, its not awesome enough.

it doesnt help with your life has been played stalemate for a long time. outings? thats the nice name its called. in detail, to be precise, its better to call it, "plans that have a high chance of being cancelled".

and when the things you have been doing well at, just came collapsing down. sometimes, you enjoy doing something so much. its something you get satisfaction from. and guess what, there are always people to spoil it for you. either the people in charge suck ass, or whatever. nothing ever goes right. you tried your best, it turns out shit. sometimes, enjoying something isnt enough. it just isnt.

today i finished ivp, badly. horribly. anyways, i might very well turn gay. if you know why, smile(: if not, ask me and i'll tell you.



argh screw life.

6.4billion people. i kinda lack my pair.