i dont know man. i really dont.

when i grow up, when i go out there to work. when whether i live ornot depends solely on myself, my pay is my trump. am i really gonna survive that? am i really gonna live out my life, and say, hell. i've worked the shit outta my life, and this is what i've got. thank god.

when i have kids, am i gonna look back at all the stuff i've been keeping. you know, i'm the kind of person who just cant bear to throw away things people i love give me. am i gonna tell them, when they ask stumbly, but in such innocence and cuteness, daddy, whats that. who gave that to you. and i'll be saying, yeah. i got that from my first love. she gave me this card, these love notes, this present. and i'll look up at my wife, and smile, knowing i have found a perfect woman in my life and i'll definitely still miss the people i used to love.

and when i meet the people i love, will we be different then. rich tai tais, or people scrimping every cent. or most will be just normal people, leading lives with no meaning. some might be lucky to immigrate. how different. and when we look back, at such a time, at now. what will we think. we live our life now, and it will definitely affect our coffee conversation in a decade's time.

its amazing. its crazy. somehow i want it to happen, and it not to. i'm really scared of being poor. im really scared i cant find someone i will love. i really scared i'll make bad company, i'll go broke and hopeless, or go against some big shot and blow every chance i've got.

and then again. all these might not happen. i might lead a boring life. and i'll get over it. ...get over it? its so close to 'its the end'. what will i think then, when i'm all white and pale. when i look back, did i live my life well, what should i have done. why did i do what i did.

its insecurity i guess. people pay to be more secure, but security is priceless.


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started to write a story today. it doesnt take two guesses to know how the tale came about. for now, here. read or not, up to you =)