what do you do, when you realise the other person who loves the person you yourself love, is so much better a person than you are? will i be different, if the situation was different? would i do the same, if it was me? i doubt. so how am i to do?

somehow, i really forgot what i wanted to blog about.

these days, i keep having this imaginary 3D heart thingy in my mind, pounding and all, with nice white ropes tied around it. at the loose end of the ropes (i didnt really picture the other heart in my mind) were knots of various sizes and degrees. some were bigger, complicated ones, while others were just simply a cross-over type. anyway, point is, the ropes represent bonds that everyone have. a simple friendship would be some sort of a nice, neat knot. a happy relationship would be a big knot, but at the same time, simply tied, and pleasant looking. however, those messy situations that you get into with others would result in a oddly shaped, wild and unkempt rounds simply folding against each other, making that the horrible knot. so question is, how do you untie that?

not only is it hard and plain quirky with the rounds being random and totally inconsistent, its a huge knot as well. which practically means it's tough and damn time consuming. and the process of untying a knot is painful - you dont really like pulling strings against your skin do you? hurts.

as a result, some people simply blur their vision, and pretend that there isnt a knot at all. it's only a straight line. that akin to simply ignoring the situation, and going offline status. pretense is a fragile flake of glass. if left alone, it'll survive fine. however, that little pressure could result in instant shattering. devastating.

so what can be done? how do you untie a knot that's warped and kinked, without going through the tedious process of burning you fingertips? you cut it. but a bond is a bond. is it really possible for one to just simply cut a line? if you were to cut at a point in a massive cobweb, only that tiny few inches will dangle lifelessly. dangle, not drop off. there are still millions of other spins clinging on to it, making the bond lifeless, but still present. now, is that better or worse?


human are greedy creatures. our sole purpose in life is to seek happiness, and i swear by that. as to what form of happiness, that differs from person to person. however, we are greedy. even when we are happy, we want more. we are never satisfied. even if the situation is already positive, we hunger for more. and when we dont get what we want, we start blaming. we blame how it could have been. we blame why god didnt give us that chance. on one hand, it is true. to reach a certain height, you need a certain pass. however, should we not be happy, that we at least climbed the moutain, instead of sinking into the depths of the sea? also, who ever said that with a certain pass, you would ever climb higher? the higher it goes, the stakes get bigger. so does the chances of you falling into the ocean. now, isnt this worse than just being a little happy?

okay long post. lots to rant even though its 10am and i just reached home.

forgiving is hard. to me, it really is the ultimate test. how is one able to accept a horrible error done upon you? it is tough. to let go, and to realise that dwelling on it wont help matters. but human nature doesnt allow that. silly emotions like anger, hatred so whatnots are encapsulated within us, waiting for the right time to explode at different degrees. and at such a moment where forginess is needed, the situation usually ticks off the timebomb. at that moment, it is really hard to think calm and resist that urge, and instead, forgive. we have to overcome nature. it's like fighting a tsumani with nothing more than your two feets sprinting to safety.

sometimes i just wished things were simplier. i wished you never liked me. i wished you never had any baggages. i wished you were always happy. i wished you wouldnt be so brim-full of agonies that you shouldnt be punished for. sometimes, i wished i never met you. but i never regretted it, and i only hope for the better, though that seem to be none. i'll just pretend that the oasis of joy i imagined is just that few steps ahead, and cling on to that mirage that serves as my, and only my, reality. i'll just pray that when i wisen up and my vision cleared, i'll no longer be able to take another step. then, i could blame myself for being weak, and not the lack of chance that ended this tale.