hello. welcome back(:

it's been some time, with work and all. so i cant really, or rather dont really, have the energy to do so after work. work's pretty good, i mean. i could have gotten far worse situatins. but yup. pleasantly pleased with work(:

sigh. back to the usual depressing topic of never-to-be-found happiness that we all seek for opening statement for today, i can officially say, i've never loved someone that much before. yes, it's finally true. ive never felt such loss and such confusement in my life. even bestie bimbo is amazed with everything. i mean, i'm hesitating to call you, because i dont wanna argue. and why so. its not because i'll get pissed and all. its not because i wont be able to sleep at night. its not because i'll feel angsty all inside. i actually am shopping myself because i dont want you to be sad and frustrated, even a bit. wow. i never expected this from me.

you're beautiful, it's true. okay, random. song lyrics. haha

anyways, mind and heart. these two. why cant they freaking work together. my mind is sensible. it plans for the future, it prevents shits, it takens wise measures and calculations to create a happier path of life. happier? actually, maybe not. is the prevention of horrible things actually happy? it's nice, its good, but does it actually make one happy? i wonder.

my heart, on the other hand, looks for happiness. it's do or die, give OR take. there's no give and take. it seeks memorable times, times where you would look back a century later and still crack that warm smile within because its your glow. it doesnt settle for being in a mediocre state, where you are neither happy nor sad. that's nothing, that's in between, that's i dont know what it is. seems all bright and good right? no. the down side is that, it never really considers the all important, what if it doesnt go according to plan? and damnit. shit happens, we all know.

this crossfire and balance which we have to strike to lead a happy yet having the least depressing times is just like threading on thin ice, balancing on a high rope. we'll try forever to find that equilibrum, left heavy or weighing your weight a little forward. we think, we try. we fail, and we try again. all you have to do is to never give up, but even the sun's energy burns out, so. can we humans who merely survive on the tick and tock of a muscle chamber beat all odds and live through it all?

i'm still thinking of you, even every second. what you did yesterday, when did you go home? or did you? whem are you gonna call me out for dinner? you specified the food, but when? or, do you even still remember it? what are you thinking now? have you ever thought of me all these while? have you ever really done some thing for me? i might never know these answers, and i might never need to know them. but, just wondering, have you ever? i will never know.

the last time we ever went out was my brithday. it's been almost 3 months. you know that everyday, i wished i could just meet you. so, have you thought, when i get upset because of all these, behind the anger, how long have i held everything in, while you merely disregarded? i wont ask anything more, or at least, i'll try never to. but. i wonder if you ever would, and what would happen.

i wonder. then again, wondering is pointless. then again, why do i wonder in the first place at all.